jo-AnNEW

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" - 2 Corinthians 5:17

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This movie is a must-watch. I thank God for movies like this. I watched it with my family and I somehow know it has impacted them in ways I may not know but will truly show in their lives, if not now, soon. 

I am longing for more Christian movies. 

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My Faithless Rant

Why did He let me stay? Why, after everything I’ve done, am I still here -  alive, breathing, feeling? The memories, the shame, the guilt, the pain, they are just too much for me. How many times have I prayed for Him to just take me, instantly, immediately, now. But, He doesn’t? Why? Is this my consequence? Dying would be too easy an escape for somebody like me, might be.

I feel so sad, so empty. I don’t know my purpose anymore. I’m like a puzzle never to be whole again because I don’t know where the missing piece is. I’m incomplete. I’m floating, just floating and I’m letting myself afloat. I’m broken, shattered and no matter how I pick up the shards, I can’t seem to be in one piece again. 

Isn’t it that the pain should heal in time? The pain seems to be as painful, even more painful than when everything was fresh. Dying would be too easy a punishment. Living is my death sentence. Waking up each day thinking for one second that everything was just a nightmare; and then as each second goes, along came the realization that everything terrifying did happen, that I did what I should have not done, and all the guilt, the shame, the regrets and the pain is felt. There is no such thing as immunity. Everything makes me more and more vulnerable.

When will I not feel anymore? When will I forget? When will things get better? I guess never. Somebody once told me, “Sana nagpakasagasa ka na lang. (You should have just let a car hit you.)” I wish I did instead of what I’ve actually done. Physical pain would have been nothing than the pain I’m feeling inside.

Those were my faithless rant last night (July 27, 2014). What a shame right? But, once again God has shown me how unconditional His love is. Despite my faithless ranting, despite hurting Him for not trusting, He wiped my tears and told me, “Be still and consider the wondrous things I have done. Job 37:14”

The wondrous things He has done – how He gave me a new life, how He gave me a fresh start, how he promised that my past will not be remembered anymore, how he gave me a job, a promotion, an increase in 3 months time, how He gave me a career and an opportunity to believe in myself again, how He rekindle my passion and talents and be able to make use of them. And most of all, how he saved me and made me a living testimony of His good, amazing, majestic works.

He made me stay because He isn’t finish with me yet. Not because He wants to punish me but because He wants to celebrate me – a life which proves He is alive and always has been.